Demons of Doubt

I am so frustrated right now. So frustrated. Not with any one or any particular situation; no I am frustrated with myself.

Lately I have been plagued with self-doubt. I have all these things/projects/beginnings I want to embark on. I have all the tools and resources that I need to take that step forward on all fronts. But still I’m stuck. I feel like I’m shackled by my doubt in myself in that in turn has made me feel fat, lazy, and stupid. And feeling like that when you know with every fiber of your being your potential to excel is defeating. Defeating.

I want to start my own consulting business. I’ve got the resources, contacts, and chops to do it. Yet I’ve thrown the idea around for about a month and haven’t concretely done anything about it.

I want to start cooking. I want to learn to eat better to feel better. I want to develop the habit of preparing and enjoying meals so I can share that with my family. I want to be able to give that experience that I never had to my family. The way I eat now is unhealthy, expensive and honestly not all that great tasting.

I want to start working out. I want to feel healthy and fully alive. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and strong.

I want to write. I used to LOVE to write. LOVE. Now whenever I go to put pen to paper or finger to keyboard I just think “who would want to read this? What unique things could I possibly have to say? And anytime I do get to the point where I have actually written something I look at it and think of all that ways it could be mocked.

So I sit in front of my computer and try to plan for these things and I get overwhelmed. And anxious. And I think of all the times in the past I might have tried to do these things and it didn’t work out. And I ask myself “why even bother?”.

I want to live my best life. I want to feel present and fulfilled and alive. I want to live a life I’m proud of. But when it comes to the point where I stop making lists and start taking action I’m just stuck. I feel like my demon of doubt is shackling me in place.

My Online Dating Repetitive Circuit

In other dating news, my brother’s advice to me: “slut it up”. He wasn’t joking and to prove it he got me a gift certificate to Victoria Secret’s for my birthday. Ummm… thanks?

PS- Two dating site messages sent to me while making this chart. One might have potential. And the circle continues…

PSS- Typos courtesy of lack of attention to details. No wine was consumed in making this flow chart.

“Hello 28 year old Kelly, you are looking lovely today!”

Last year was a year of change.

  • Change of name.
  • Change of job.
  • Change of location.

I’m thankful for all the friends and family who helped me through all the transitions I experienced at 27. Now I’m ready to attack 28. And according to Olay, 28 is THE age to be! Seriously, I’ve remembered these commercials since they aired and watching them and thinking 28 was this elusive age where you were beautiful and confident and successful.

So here is to making 28 THE age to be!

 

Post-Divorce Entitlement Fallacies

Warning: This post lives up to the blogs name. I’m rambling. And ruminating. 100% understandability not guaranteed.

Just passing the anniversary of my ex’s and I’s separation and quickly advancing to the anniversary of our divorce, I laid and bed and thought about our marriage, like I do on many nights. These aren’t usually sad thoughts, or pity parties…. they are more like a post-game analysis. Commitment, marriage, love… I’m not a hater, but I would probably put myself in the category of “cynic” right now. I read somewhere it takes ½ the length of the relationship to get over a breakup; I’m really hoping that’s not true. But before this I honestly didn’t get that you could hurt for so long, especially if you knew it (the breakup) was the right thing. I figured (logically) that ending a relationship that wasn’t right would mean you’d be happy. I am happy in life in general, but I’m still haunted by the sadness, anger, and frustration of a broken heart. Emotions aren’t logical and it sucks. I used to always joke with Nathan and say “can you believe we are married? We’ve been together 4/5/7 years? Isn’t that crazy!??! It’s like we are adults!” He didn’t find this concept nearly as fascinating as I did; I was always in awe of the adultness of our relationship. I was always amazed one person stuck by me for so long, faults and all. So when that bond ended last summer, when I didn’t have him by my side… it’s just shaken my personal concept/beliefs/feelings about loyalty.

So I lay in bed and thing back on the past seven years of my life and smile and sigh and shake my head and simultaneously feel relief, anger, and sadness for what has happened. And I want to tell new people in my life about the divorce yet I don’t. I feel like 7 years, major life events, etc should be shared with people when you get close but then part of me just wants to start fresh, go all Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind. But my divorce is part of my story, it’s part of what has made me who I am today, it’s something I still struggle with. So I find myself wanting to tell new friends in my new city but hell, I don’t even know if I know the whole explanation. And when you say you are divorced, people ask questions. And that leads to me going into a whole mini-pyschoanalyis of everything again in my mind as I respond though gritted teeth “we just weren’t compatible”. If asked I usually just give the example of our differing political views and then subtly change topics. What I want to do is go all classic Oprah episode on them with a lengthy, multi-vignette description spanning over multiple commercial breaks.

For the past year I’ve basically been just “dealing” with life, not striving in it. Tonight as I laid in bed and tossed ideas and memories around in my head I decided it was time for a change. Since the divorce, I’ve been holding onto this ridiculous notion that I deserve things because of the shit I’ve had to go through. I wish there was some prettier word but I’ve felt “entitled” to life just magically snapping together for me since it fell apart so harshly and unexpectedly (and somewhat out of my control).

I’ve got three three big things I want to work on in life right now. For the next two months, I’m going to focus on one of them: getting healthy. I read somewhere that a sound mind leads to a sound body or some bullshit like that. Before I had sooooo many excuses why I couldn’t “get healthy”: My foot is broken, my toe is broken, I travel to much for work, I work insanely long hours, I need to focus on my mental health right now after the divorce. Now my feet are fine (but they sure are accident prone!), I work a flat 40 hours a week, I rarely travel and live a more balanced life. And as for the mental health part, contrary to the rambling and emo-ness of the previous couple paragraphs, I’m doing pretty well overall. And I think I’d feel even better mentally I think if I felt better physically.

So tonight I sat down and wrote out a SMART goal regarding my health. For the next two months I’m going to work diligently to hit my specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, timely goal. It’s time start to move on. It’s time to stop constantly “dealing”. It’s time to start achieving.

Life Has Been Busy.

Life has been busy. Very Busy. Busy in the way that I love and crave and don’t feel right without having in my life. Is it exhausting? At times, yes. But filling my life to the brim with new experiences is life affirming and exciting right now and I’m loving it.

It’s been a month and a half since I’ve moved to Raleigh. In that time I’ve:

  • Started a new job
  • Joined three softball teams (one fastpitch and two slowpitch) Gotten sick twice (colds)
  • Been to an art festival and wandered around a huge, inflatable living sculpture
  • Seen a lot of bands live (Marcy Playground, Love Language, Caravan of Thieves, The Connells, the Small Ponds, Kooley High, Hammer No More the Fingers, Chaise Lounge)
  • Been to three meetups
  • Gone to a professional conference in St. Paul
  • See stand-up comedy
  • Volunteered and and enjoyed Tour de Fat
  • Been on two first dates
  • Made some new friends and lots of fun acquaintances

I love Raleigh. There is always something going on. Actually, there are always about 10 things going on, it’s kind of overwhelming. On Wednesdays I pick up the Independent Weekly to browse all the upcoming events and the variety is astounding.

My job has been my undeniable affirmation that the move was the best thing for me. It’s exceeding my expectations. My co-workers are nice and I’m getting to work on great projects. I’m also networking with people at the top of my field. AND **drumroll** 40 hours a week people! And comp time! Which is enabling me to have a life outside of work! LOVE!

I’ve also met some great people. I really like most the girls on my fastpitch softball team. Though we’ve had a rough season the camaraderie is great and I’ve loved finding other people who are as passionate about softball as I am. I met a friend through Craigslist platonic section. Looking on Craigslist for friends might sound crazy but that’s how I found my best friend in Tallahassee so don’t knock it till you try it. I’ve gone on two dates. The first was with karate guy. Karate guy and I seemed super compatible on paper; I was really excited about meeting him. Unfortunately we met, his picture on his profile didn’t match up IRL, his stories he chose to tell revolved around drinking, he was obsessed with the ‘finer things” he’d accumulated in his life, and he was kinda boring. The second guy was with exotic guy. The first date went swimmingly: perfect gentleman, good conversation, time flew by, there was chemistry there. Or so I thought. On the second date things fell flat. We had fun and good conversation but the attraction fizzled and I realized I just wanted to be friends with him. Sad the romantic-ness didn’t pan out but excited to have a new guy friend.

This weekend I’m heading to my favorite place on earth: the Smokey mountains of North Carolina. I’m meeting Angie up there for a weekend of fun. Saturday- Asheville. Sunday- waterfalls. Monday- gemming. I’m super excited; I’ve really missed Angie and always love vacationing in the mountains. To make things better we are staying at my dad’s place so I get to see him some and it’s free!

Things I’ve been neglecting since the move that I need to get on top of:

  • Unpacking. I still have about 5 boxes of stuff piled in a corner in my kitchen.
  • Decorating. A lack of a power drill and lack of self-assuredness on my part has kept my walls bare and drab.
  • Working out. I’m playing A LOT of softball. I still haven’t gotten around to joining a gym and getting on a normal schedule.
  • Writing. I want to write, I feel the need to write, but then I have this weird self-consciousness about it. It’s not about if others will find it’s interesting, I just feel like the stuff I want to write about isn’t worthy of being written about? Is boring? Dull? Silly?
  • Haircut. I need a cut. And color.
  • Weight Watchers. Way to sporadic about it right now. Need to buckle down and get my act in gear.
  • Cooking. I’ve used my oven once. I live of lean cuisine and microwavable fare. I want to learn to cook. I want to learn to buy fresh ingredients and throw them together a la Nigella Lawson. There is a mindfulness about cooking that appeals to me, I feel like I should at least try it out.
  • Exploring the outdoors. I know, I know, I’m from Florida but Christ it’s hot! And all the meetups I’ve seen outdoor related are a bit past my comfort zone (to far, to long, etc).
  • Calling people. I am missing some people like crazy. I didn’t realize how much I loved my social life in Tallahassee till I left it. I had a good thing going and I miss my friends. Does that mean I’d do the rational thing and call them? You’d think so but I haven’t. Maybe it’s because I hate talking on the phone (I blame my bad hearing), maybe it’s because I’m afraid they don’t want to talk to me, maybe it’s because I always think of calling people at like… 2 am. Which leads to my next thing…
  • Going to bed at a reasonable time. I’m like a stubborn baby. I know I’m tired. I know I should go to bed. I know nothing really interesting happens on the internetz after 11 pm… still I seem to fight it with abandon. And now I’m on this kooky nap schedule that’s not good. Not good at all.

Randomness:

  • I really want to be a mermaid. But I can’t so I’m just going to buy this to put in my bedroom.
  • I love this picture so, so, so many reasons. I kind of want to make it my avatar for everything.

http://coconutmaplefigandpaperclips.tumblr.com/post/5995768107

This Isn’t The Life I Had Planned…

My dogs in the new apartment.

Sometimes I talk about my dogs to people. Ok, I talk about them to people a lot (I’m one of those “dog ladies” it seems). And since moving to NC there have been a couple times that I’ve told new people about then and they ask more questions and eventually get to where I live and it appears: that look of judgment that I have two large dogs in a 1 bedroom/ 1 bath apartment. And I just smile and acknowledge it’s not the best situation but that I take them for plenty of walks and they are well exercised and loved and taken care of. Because isn’t that what matters?

But every time some variation of this comes up it leads to a whole internal monologue of what I WISH I could tell them, and that goes something like this:

“Yes, I know, it’s not ideal to have two large dogs in a 1/1, but to be fair that’s not how I planned it. No, I had a different plan. A plan where my ex didn’t abandon me with two dogs, a cat, and a house payment. A plan where my living space was only going to grow over time. A plan where I had another person to share the burden of walking and bathing and feeding and XYZing for the animals. A plan where I was married and had things figured out. A plan where my mind wasn’t consumed with the multiple variations of answers to “well how what?” depending on my mood. A plan where I was on track, ahead of schedule, and being awesome. But instead of my plan I’m a 27 year old divorcee starting over. Trying to figure out how to date like an adult. A person who is juggling a completely re-arranged life and, after watching dreams disintegrate, is trying to figure out what new dreams to work towards. I’m just trying to figure it out as I go along. Trying to adjust and adapt to this new version of life which, while I’m sure will be brighter and better in the long run, is still an adjustment and still not easy. So yeah, we live in a 1/1 with two very adorable, very spoiled, very well exercised and taken care of dogs. Any other judgments you’d like to make?”

Life didn’t go as planned. I’ll be ok, I’ll be better than ok but still… it’s an adjustment that I wasn’t planning on making. As a type A personality I struggle with the feeling of “failing” and being off schedule. My 5 year plan (which I actually wrote out and updated regularly) has been derailed. While I know the divorce was definitely best for me it’s still hard to not frame it as a failure in some way: failure of effort, failure of initial judgment, failure of faith.

This move was a move to start over but this move just seems to constantly be reminding me of my grand plan that didn’t happen. It’s paralyzed me to plan again. What’s going to happen in five years? I have no fucking idea. I don’t know if I’ll find a partner, I don’t know if I’ll have kids, I don’t know professionally how things will pan out in this new place, I just don’t know.

Not knowing is frustrating, liberating, and scary as hell.

This isn’t the life I had planned… not by a long shot.

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