Warning: This post lives up to the blogs name. I’m rambling. And ruminating. 100% understandability not guaranteed.
Just passing the anniversary of my ex’s and I’s separation and quickly advancing to the anniversary of our divorce, I laid and bed and thought about our marriage, like I do on many nights. These aren’t usually sad thoughts, or pity parties…. they are more like a post-game analysis. Commitment, marriage, love… I’m not a hater, but I would probably put myself in the category of “cynic” right now. I read somewhere it takes ½ the length of the relationship to get over a breakup; I’m really hoping that’s not true. But before this I honestly didn’t get that you could hurt for so long, especially if you knew it (the breakup) was the right thing. I figured (logically) that ending a relationship that wasn’t right would mean you’d be happy. I am happy in life in general, but I’m still haunted by the sadness, anger, and frustration of a broken heart. Emotions aren’t logical and it sucks. I used to always joke with Nathan and say “can you believe we are married? We’ve been together 4/5/7 years? Isn’t that crazy!??! It’s like we are adults!” He didn’t find this concept nearly as fascinating as I did; I was always in awe of the adultness of our relationship. I was always amazed one person stuck by me for so long, faults and all. So when that bond ended last summer, when I didn’t have him by my side… it’s just shaken my personal concept/beliefs/feelings about loyalty.
So I lay in bed and thing back on the past seven years of my life and smile and sigh and shake my head and simultaneously feel relief, anger, and sadness for what has happened. And I want to tell new people in my life about the divorce yet I don’t. I feel like 7 years, major life events, etc should be shared with people when you get close but then part of me just wants to start fresh, go all Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind. But my divorce is part of my story, it’s part of what has made me who I am today, it’s something I still struggle with. So I find myself wanting to tell new friends in my new city but hell, I don’t even know if I know the whole explanation. And when you say you are divorced, people ask questions. And that leads to me going into a whole mini-pyschoanalyis of everything again in my mind as I respond though gritted teeth “we just weren’t compatible”. If asked I usually just give the example of our differing political views and then subtly change topics. What I want to do is go all classic Oprah episode on them with a lengthy, multi-vignette description spanning over multiple commercial breaks.
For the past year I’ve basically been just “dealing” with life, not striving in it. Tonight as I laid in bed and tossed ideas and memories around in my head I decided it was time for a change. Since the divorce, I’ve been holding onto this ridiculous notion that I deserve things because of the shit I’ve had to go through. I wish there was some prettier word but I’ve felt “entitled” to life just magically snapping together for me since it fell apart so harshly and unexpectedly (and somewhat out of my control).
I’ve got three three big things I want to work on in life right now. For the next two months, I’m going to focus on one of them: getting healthy. I read somewhere that a sound mind leads to a sound body or some bullshit like that. Before I had sooooo many excuses why I couldn’t “get healthy”: My foot is broken, my toe is broken, I travel to much for work, I work insanely long hours, I need to focus on my mental health right now after the divorce. Now my feet are fine (but they sure are accident prone!), I work a flat 40 hours a week, I rarely travel and live a more balanced life. And as for the mental health part, contrary to the rambling and emo-ness of the previous couple paragraphs, I’m doing pretty well overall. And I think I’d feel even better mentally I think if I felt better physically.
So tonight I sat down and wrote out a SMART goal regarding my health. For the next two months I’m going to work diligently to hit my specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, timely goal. It’s time start to move on. It’s time to stop constantly “dealing”. It’s time to start achieving.
